My Glorious Reality of Late

I've been away awhile - sorry about that! I guess you could say I was just dealing with some things. There are seasons in my life when I feel I am "inside myself" and have no desire to do the things that ordinarily are more enjoyable to me than most other things; namely, writing and singing. The past few weeks I haven't been doing any of either. However, last night Phil led us on the guitar in Come Thou Fount, and I found my voice again. Today I'm blogging, and it feels good to feel like me. What have I been dealing with, you ask? *Sigh* You had to ask, didn't you? First, it was the age-old (not really, but it feels like it) dilemma of the role of church and God in our lives right now. It's gotten to the point where (and this is Glorious Reality that I'm sharing with you, okay??) both Phil and I have begun to really question where God is, whether He even sees us, and why we want to follow a God who has made us look for Him so long and so hard. Yes, it's been bad. I've shed a lot of tears, and Phil has had a lot of melancholy days (cuz he's not really a crier so much). I wish that I could read the Bible and pray by myself and have that just be enough, but it isn't. Phil and I long for the connection with others that used to make us feel alive, that constantly reminded us of incredible things God is doing in people's lives. We are attending a new church that we want badly to be excited about, but living here 2 years and trying out at least 12 churches has caused us to have a pretty jaded view. Yucky, but the way it is. We've gotten to know the pastor and his wife and they seem fantastic, but again, we've held it all with an open hand. All this, coupled with my PMDD symptoms, has caused me to become rather self-centered. I admitted to Phil that I was getting pretty tired of thinking about myself, how I'm feeling, all the time. And physically I didn't feel right - why was I so bloated even though I'd been working out?! And nauseous too?! What's going on? Woah, wait... Yep. Turns out I'M PREGNANT! And self-centered me had the audacity to cry about it for a few minutes. Phil couldn't have been happier, so pretty soon I was happy too, and now, 2 1/2 weeks later, I can't believe the change that has happened in us. A baby is such a miracle, and I think that this pregnancy has done a lot to soften my heart toward God again. Tonight the pastor from the new church called Phil, wanting to talk to him about the possibilty of beginning weekly testimonies like the ones we told him about that our church in Roseville does. We are really excited about sharing our past and hearing how God has transformed others! Phil and I have come to a new realization that although we can't fully understand God, we can accept and embrace the basics - He made us, He loves us, He gives us good gifts. We have 3 and one on the way!