To resolve.
To schedule in disappointment.
But in pencil, please,
because I think I plan to cancel my resolve entirely.
The only resolve I have is to stop resolving that I can do anything on my own.
And why January?
April, truly, would work fine.
It makes no difference.
If I must “resolve”, it would only be
to choose that which is beneficial
and not what seems obligatory.
To choose to follow peace
and not expectation.
To choose to let go of myself
and to hold the hand that is bigger than mine.
To finally ride to roller coaster,
and laugh my head off.
I am not a maker of resolutions. I mean, it’s just silly. If you’re going to do something, do it. Does it matter if you start in August? But that’s me, and regardless of the fact that it’s January, I have decided to do something; to change in a certain area. It just so happens that today I got sick and tired of a habit I’ve developed and I’d very much like to have done with it. It’s a little something called discontentment. Today a friend commented on how much she likes my kitchen, and do you know what I said? “Oh, I don’t like my cabinets.” What is that? In my mind there is a house that I think I would be completely happy living in. My actual house doesn’t look like that, so subconsciously I've given myself permission to dismiss any ideas that it’s a great place to live. I am sad and sorry that I’ve done this, and I’m also really embarrassed. I have been around people who are very contented, and I have been with people who can’t wait to acquire more and better stuff, and I don’t have to tell you which is more enjoyable. Today (about 15 minutes ago actually) I was finally able to think clearly about my attitude and feel sickened enough to want to do something about it. So here's what I've decided: I have a great house, and I am going to express gratitude for it instead of being negative. There is nothing even close to a guarantee that I will ever have the house that’s in my head. For all I know, it does not exist in my future. I don’t want to have an attitude that I am entitled to anything, ever. Not only does it make me feel terribly unhappy, but I realized that it also snubs what my Abba gave me, and He says it’s the perfect gift for me. Today I was blown away by the revelation that He picked out my house for me! He set it aside and said, “This is for my girl. It is the best thing for her!” I never again want to see faults in His plans for my life. He gets to choose, not me. 1 Tomothy 6:6 - 8 “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.”
